The Tabloid News Edition 12
The Tabloid News XII 'FROM THE EDITOR' Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and everyone else who reads this rag. It is time for yet another amazing edition of The Tabloid News! For those of you who have been waiting patiently for this edition, we thank you. For those of you who couldn’t care less, well then, go away! We don’t need you. It’s been a rough time for the staff of The Tabloid News. Between the editor’s kidnapping (story to follow), the editor’s being jailed for that slight misunderstanding with the judge’s daughter, and of course the three weeks spent trying to explain to the IRS how a man who only claims $2.47 per year can afford a Bentley. 'EVIL BUNNY IMPLICATED IN SCANDAL' Evil Bunny was seen sneaking out of Miguel’s Goat Farm at 3:30am Friday morning. In an interview, Miguel told us that his goats complained of “violations” and other graphic acts that can not be shared with you, our decent readers. It would be too gruesome! Needless to say, it was despicable. There is no doubt that Evil Bunny is an evil goat molester who must be stopped. Fathers, protect your wives and daughters, mothers, protect your children! If you see this abomination to god and man, bar your windows and lock your doors. He is considered, armed, dangerous, and mentally unstable! 'TABLOID EDITOR KIDNAPPED' On November 4th, Navaro kidnapped Penny’s Puppy right off the street. A short struggle ensued when Penny’s Puppy tried to defend himself, but to no avail. Navaro threw the poor puppy into a burlap sack and then into the back of a truck. He threatened dismemberment if five million dollars wasn’t paid immediately. Money Penny seemed unconcerned, but could not be reached for comment. Penny’s Puppy’s personal assistant, lolobell, quickly shot navaro, causing him to let the puppy go. However, the Penny’s Puppy was also injured in the gun battle. The hospital reports he is recovering quickly. 'PACIFIC OCEAN SOLD TO JAPANESE EMPIRE' Japanese Prime Minister Tojo recently called the White House to complain about the noise at the U.S. Naval Base in Peal Harbour (there was a huge party), however, President Roosevelt was not in at the time. The phone was answered by White House janitor Sanjeev Hernandez O’Reilly Goldstein, who after having several belts of whisky from Roosevelt’s private stash ended up selling the Pacific Ocean to Japan for 300 yen, a bottle of sake, and chop stick lessons. Emperor Hirohito was pleased with the purchase. He plans on filling the Pacific Ocean with rubber duckies. President Roosevelt could not be reached for comment. 'EVIL BUNNY RETURNS FROM EGYPT' Infamous archaeologist, Evil Bunny, returned from Egypt early this month after desecrating several pyramids in the name of history. Having pawned off millions of dollars worth of national treasures for his daily drug fix, he returned the Unites States. It was rumoured he was cursed by a mummy. The Tabloid News spent five hours transferring telephone and telegraph lines but we finally spoke to Abdul Mushif Mischief, Head of Egyptian Antiquities in Cairo, who connected us to the mummy who cursed Evil Bunny. We spoke at length, but thousands of years of being undead make it difficult to understand. The mummy sent us a letter detailing the curse he cast on the nefarious bunny. “Bird, crocodile, kneeling guy, palm leaf, hyena, squiggly line, owl” the note read. Translated it means, “I have cursed Evil Bunny to be an even bigger doody-head than he already is.” We at The Tabloid News didn’t know that was possible. 'DICK GOZINYA SEEN ON ST. CROIX' Dick Gozinya was reportedly seen on the island of St. Croix. When asked what he was doing on the Virgin Islands he merely said, “Remedying that situation.” 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, I have a pet, but he acts like he’s too good for me. What should I do? Signed, M.P. ------------------------------------------ Dear M.P. Treat him extra special, then. Red ------------------------------------------ Dear Red, I’m shy and I have trouble meeting women. What should I do? Signed, Maple Leaf Migs. -------------------------------------------- Dear Miguel, I mean, Maple Leaf Migs, Next time you want friendly advice, don’t include a photo. I can see why you have trouble with women. May I recommend a mask? Red 'SAM THE AMERICAN EAGLE SEEN AT LOCAL RESTAURANT' Sam the American Eagle was seen at a local French restaurant. He was liberating the snails earmarked for escargot. The French chef came out and yelled at him saying the snails were a delicacy, Sam responded, “Stop that now, it’s un-American.” The chef went back inside crying.